Genesis (What you don’t see)
So, as I start this I suppose the obvious questions for those of you who’ve read my previous blogs as well as my self is why? Why bother writing it? Why now? Honestly it’s because I think it’s important to highlight that we all come from somewhere. We all have a story that defined in some ways who we’d ultimately become and for most it’s not particularly glamorous or even very nice. Additionally, it’s to illustrate that those moments and seasons that got us here do not have to define us. With that, you have to intentionally CHOOSE who you’re going to be! I also hope to illustrate that there’s more to everyone you meet. More to their story and more happening in their world than you know. This isn’t about sympathy for others. It’s about empathy and leading with grace.
Take a look at that devilishly handsome young man in the photo. First of all I think we should all just appreciate how adorable I was! That’s right, take it in! Okay, now realize that smile is hiding immense fear, abuse, and pain. Wait, what?
That’s right! Here’s all the things you don’t see in that photo. What you don’t see is a highly dis functional family that thrives on arguing and chaos. I cannot remember a time when there wasn’t explosive unrest in the home I grew up in. If there was it was brief and the time in between was spent dreading when it would begin again. I’m talking wrestle mania level brawls here!
You also don’t see the mom behind the scenes. You don’t see the mother who suffers from bouts of sever depression, abandonment issues, and to round out the trinity of awesome, Münchausen syndrome by proxy.
You don’t see or hear her referring to her children using really cool pet names like “little shits”. True story, my earliest memory is of my mom calling me that. Good times!
You don’t see that by age 7 she had created a laundry list of fabricated ailments for the kid in the picture (by the way, what an adorable kid!). You don’t see that he was subjected to all manners of testing to discover the source of these ailments. Cool stuff like weekly blood work, EEG’s, MRI’s, and spinal taps all by age 9. You don’t see signing him up for experimental treatments that would later cause him to have to undergo six months of chemotherapy. You don’t see the 30 pill a day medication regimen he’s on that makes him sick
Here’s something else you don’t see. You don’t see the kid that, in his still forming brain is silently screaming “fuck this”. You don’t see someone consciously deciding this WILL NOT be their life and they will refuse to participate in it. You don’t see a kid who’s making his mind up to NEVER live like this again.
So, in every way I could I started to intentionally “upset the balance”. I’d learned how to tuck pills into my cheek and spit them out in the bathroom. I began telling all the doctors that I felt AMAZING, knowing full well I’d catch a beating afterwards. But it was worth it! I was winning! And so it went for several months. Go to the doctors, tell them I feel fine, and follow that up with verbal berating and a dash of physical abuse. That’s how I spent my summer between 5th and 6th grade. And you know what? It worked!
It was a miracle! I was healed! The truth was I’d broken her will. I’d proven that despite her best efforts I would not live like that. And I’d prove I had a pretty solid jaw!
So, what’s the point? Well I guess it’s twofold.
First off remember there’s SO much you don’t see that’s going on when you meet someone. We all come from somewhere and that somewhere probably hasn’t always been all puppies and hugs. Have a little grace and exercise some empathy once in a while. It can totally change someone’s life.
Secondly, YOU get to decide how you’re going to live! It’s so easy to get stuck and be a victim of our circumstances. However, if a nine year old boy (who was just ADORABLE) can choose to change his future, so can you!
